Rapture Me Up, Scotty

Well, I see that Saturday is the big day–all the saved” Christians will evidently be leaving the rest of us (aka me and all of my friends) as they are Raptured. I know this because my email is filled with messages about “Rapture cocktails” and post-Rapture looting parties, and because a Facebook friend posted helpful information about a site that–for a relatively modest fee–will take care of your pet after you leave.

News accounts have taken note of the true believers who have given away all of their worldly goods in anticipation of their imminent departure.

Not being a biblical literalist, I have some lingering questions: for example, will self-identified “bible-believing” Christians like Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee and Michelle Bachmann be leaving us?  If not, can we send them to the Afterlife anyway?  What should we do with all the tacky lawn ornaments True Believers will leave behind? And most important of all, what kind of dreadful world will the rest of us create? How will we know who to despise?

What will we do without the elect to tell us how to live and who to love? How will we know who Jesus doesn’t want us to tax?

Come to think of it, I am sure I’m one of the damned, because a post-Rapture world sounds heavenly to me.


  1. I hope the Rapture people are wrong. I just got a new motorcycle and I am not giving it away.

  2. All this talk of Rapture got me wondering: what if the Rapture has already happened? Maybe these holier-than-thou people who try to tell us all what to do are actually here because they didn’t make the final cut!

  3. The problem with the rapture is that I’ll probably still have to make my house payment. I’m almost positive the folks at Wells Fargo will still be here come Sunday morning.

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